survive

this was a daily response almost a month and a half ago. I usually write poetry – because I never trust my prose. it’s always random thoughts that never seem good enough to post. but right now I just need to write. to speak. to get it out.

lately I’ve been feeling like I’m going through life simply surviving. I don’t feel like I’m living, and it’s not something new to me but it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I need something to keep me going and I can’t find it. I’ve grown in so many ways, I’m blessed in so many ways, and I’m trying in so many ways.. but there’s something missing that’s keeping me from truly living and I can’t place it. 

I’m breaking again. and right now I really don’t know what else to say. I feel guilty for breaking down when my life really isn’t that bad, but I can’t just push my depression under the rug. I can’t just ignore the fact that I’m physically hurting myself, or crying myself to sleep every night, or drinking to excess just so I won’t feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel alone and destroyed, insecure and unsure. 

where do I go from here?

Daily Prompt: Transformation

some days,
it’s hard to think
about where I’ve been.
other days,
it’s all I can do to
keep the memories
from coming to
my mind.
but all days,
I remember the
transformation
I made. from young,
to slightly older,
weak to strong,
pained,
to surviving.
and thriving.
it’s not easy to
remember that,
just as it’s not easy
to forget what made me
feel so small and
insignificant
in the first place.
but I remind myself
daily –
I am not
falling apart.
I am not
going to let
them win.
I am not
someone who can
be walked over,
stepped on and
beaten down.
I am strong.
I am real.
I am thriving.
this transformation,
it wasn’t easy.
and I continue
it every day.
but I’m making it.
and damn
does it feel good.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation