help me. 

you know, each day I think things get better. but

then at night I feel it in my bones, in my mind and in

my soul. I don’t know what’s wrong. 

is it me? is it something I did? is it something I said? 

is it something I didn’t? 

I’m lonely and aching for company –

but it feels like no one aches for mine. how do I fix this?

the only thing I want to do is paint red stains on my skin

that will turn into beautiful lines 

that will never fade. but

they’re not beautiful. they make me sad every day.

and it’s a battle to not make more but I don’t know what else to do. 

how do you keep on going when it feels like no one is rooting for you?

the bridge 

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. my eyes are heavy

with unshed tears. wrists

covered in ink because

I don’t have the energy

to break up a razor. I’m FAILING 

a class and I can’t

make myself get my shit 

together. I keep thinking

about that bridge – 

out there in the distance with

the one flickering light 

shining on the marks

where my hands once pressed down,

sweating in anticipation

before jumping. 

that bridge exists somewhere. 

right now it’s in the back of

my mind, and I worry

that one day I’ll find it, and no 

one will notice until it’s 

too late. 

Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

I never thought anyone –
especially the likes of you –
would catch my attention so quickly.
you walked by with such an air of
confidence. so much
arrogance.
and I’ve always found myself
turned off by these
mannerisms,
but not by you.
you walk like you own
the place – and that’s
not just a matter of speech.
you hold yourself above others,
yet I know you to be so
kindhearted.
your ostentaciousness
attracts me,
fools others,
hides your true self.
you don’t want to please or
impress others.
you want to feel good about
yourself.
that’s a feeling I know
way too well.
so walk like a god around me.
maybe I’ll make you feel a
little more human.

 

via Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

Daily Prompt: Transformation

some days,
it’s hard to think
about where I’ve been.
other days,
it’s all I can do to
keep the memories
from coming to
my mind.
but all days,
I remember the
transformation
I made. from young,
to slightly older,
weak to strong,
pained,
to surviving.
and thriving.
it’s not easy to
remember that,
just as it’s not easy
to forget what made me
feel so small and
insignificant
in the first place.
but I remind myself
daily –
I am not
falling apart.
I am not
going to let
them win.
I am not
someone who can
be walked over,
stepped on and
beaten down.
I am strong.
I am real.
I am thriving.
this transformation,
it wasn’t easy.
and I continue
it every day.
but I’m making it.
and damn
does it feel good.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Daily Prompt: Careful

I’ve spent most of my life being cautious,
careful,
calculated.
I never once thought being carefree
could be the right way to spend some days.
but there was one day, an hour
north of Rome,
where I walked along a
cobblestone street, hopelessly
lost in a place I did not know,
searching for a beach I could
not see with an excitement
I did not expect.

it’s not often I find myself
lost, unaware of my surroundings –
and, quite frankly a little
surprised.
but this one day I wasn’t
scared or worried or anxious.
I was just carefree.
and yes, careful, always careful – no
person would ruin my day, no sun would burn
my back and no pot hole would twist
my ankle
(because lord knows that
would happen to me).

the breeze was warm and
my skin tingled with the heat,
the only sign of my exhaustion
the perspiration running down my spine –
the drip drip drip of water leaking
out a faucet
to my right pulling my gaze.
the ocean was right through those
houses – I
could see it, I could
almost feel the water on my skin,
running its hands along me
like the boy I left back home.

the cobblestone stretched on
and on. I could feel
the irritation bubbling under
my feet, traveling up my calves
– and oh how my calves burned!
I took in a deep breath,
it smelled of lilac and
my mother’s laughter,
a smile stretching across my face,
I walked a little lighter.
only a short distance
now.

at long last it unfolded in
front of me –
a sea of blue, of summer,
of peace. my bags were on the ground,
my dress a jumble on top,
and my feet were pulling me
to the water.
crystal, clear, warm. so
salty you could float. I couldn’t
remember the last time
I was so happy.

if I wasn’t careful, I
might’ve drifted out to
sea. but
I was careful. always careful.

 

via Daily Prompt: Careful

Daily Prompt: Realize

realize: to grasp or understand clearly.

but you told me you cared.
and I spent months holding on to that –
but what does it really mean?
you’re not clear
you’re not near
I don’t know how to hold on to
something that I can’t feel.
you’re out of reach and simple
words every few weeks keep me
holding on to something
that I still can’t feel.
explain this to me:
how can you care and not
show it?

realize: to make real; give reality to (a hope, fear, plan, etc.)

this journey I’m taking,
I made it real.
I took the step for me,
and it took me away from you –
but only in distance, and
only for a short time.
life is so long – yet so short –
and we have so much time
but not for this bullshit.
I’ve made real my hopes and
I’ve pushed away my fears, but
that doesn’t mean you
won’t give up on me,
no matter how much I hold on.

realize: to bring vividly to the mind

picture this:
I love you.
picture this:
it hurts.
you may be trying
to protect your own heart
but you’re breaking mine
in the process,
and I want you to picture it.
I want you to know what
you’re doing, because
in the long run you’re really
just hurting yourself too.
picture this:
I love you.
and I don’t want to
but I can’t stop.

via Daily Prompt: Realize