you know, each day I think things get better. but
then at night I feel it in my bones, in my mind and in
my soul. I don’t know what’s wrong.
is it me? is it something I did? is it something I said?
is it something I didn’t?
I’m lonely and aching for company –
but it feels like no one aches for mine. how do I fix this?
the only thing I want to do is paint red stains on my skin
that will turn into beautiful lines
that will never fade. but
they’re not beautiful. they make me sad every day.
and it’s a battle to not make more but I don’t know what else to do.
how do you keep on going when it feels like no one is rooting for you?
I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. my eyes are heavy
with unshed tears. wrists
covered in ink because
I don’t have the energy
to break up a razor. I’m FAILING
a class and I can’t
make myself get my shit
together. I keep thinking
about that bridge –
out there in the distance with
the one flickering light
shining on the marks
where my hands once pressed down,
sweating in anticipation
that bridge exists somewhere.
right now it’s in the back of
my mind, and I worry
that one day I’ll find it, and no
one will notice until it’s
I still don’t feel whole
— and I can’t quite figure out how
to put it into words.
how to express it to my family.
how to live with it.
and it’s almost three in the
morning and I’m listening
to music that I hope will
help me stop
what do I do?