survive

this was a daily response almost a month and a half ago. I usually write poetry – because I never trust my prose. it’s always random thoughts that never seem good enough to post. but right now I just need to write. to speak. to get it out.

lately I’ve been feeling like I’m going through life simply surviving. I don’t feel like I’m living, and it’s not something new to me but it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I need something to keep me going and I can’t find it. I’ve grown in so many ways, I’m blessed in so many ways, and I’m trying in so many ways.. but there’s something missing that’s keeping me from truly living and I can’t place it. 

I’m breaking again. and right now I really don’t know what else to say. I feel guilty for breaking down when my life really isn’t that bad, but I can’t just push my depression under the rug. I can’t just ignore the fact that I’m physically hurting myself, or crying myself to sleep every night, or drinking to excess just so I won’t feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel alone and destroyed, insecure and unsure. 

where do I go from here?

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help me. 

you know, each day I think things get better. but

then at night I feel it in my bones, in my mind and in

my soul. I don’t know what’s wrong. 

is it me? is it something I did? is it something I said? 

is it something I didn’t? 

I’m lonely and aching for company –

but it feels like no one aches for mine. how do I fix this?

the only thing I want to do is paint red stains on my skin

that will turn into beautiful lines 

that will never fade. but

they’re not beautiful. they make me sad every day.

and it’s a battle to not make more but I don’t know what else to do. 

how do you keep on going when it feels like no one is rooting for you?