survive

this was a daily response almost a month and a half ago. I usually write poetry – because I never trust my prose. it’s always random thoughts that never seem good enough to post. but right now I just need to write. to speak. to get it out.

lately I’ve been feeling like I’m going through life simply surviving. I don’t feel like I’m living, and it’s not something new to me but it’s something I haven’t felt in a while. I need something to keep me going and I can’t find it. I’ve grown in so many ways, I’m blessed in so many ways, and I’m trying in so many ways.. but there’s something missing that’s keeping me from truly living and I can’t place it. 

I’m breaking again. and right now I really don’t know what else to say. I feel guilty for breaking down when my life really isn’t that bad, but I can’t just push my depression under the rug. I can’t just ignore the fact that I’m physically hurting myself, or crying myself to sleep every night, or drinking to excess just so I won’t feel. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel alone and destroyed, insecure and unsure. 

where do I go from here?

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Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

I never thought anyone –
especially the likes of you –
would catch my attention so quickly.
you walked by with such an air of
confidence. so much
arrogance.
and I’ve always found myself
turned off by these
mannerisms,
but not by you.
you walk like you own
the place – and that’s
not just a matter of speech.
you hold yourself above others,
yet I know you to be so
kindhearted.
your ostentaciousness
attracts me,
fools others,
hides your true self.
you don’t want to please or
impress others.
you want to feel good about
yourself.
that’s a feeling I know
way too well.
so walk like a god around me.
maybe I’ll make you feel a
little more human.

 

via Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

Daily Prompt: Transformation

some days,
it’s hard to think
about where I’ve been.
other days,
it’s all I can do to
keep the memories
from coming to
my mind.
but all days,
I remember the
transformation
I made. from young,
to slightly older,
weak to strong,
pained,
to surviving.
and thriving.
it’s not easy to
remember that,
just as it’s not easy
to forget what made me
feel so small and
insignificant
in the first place.
but I remind myself
daily –
I am not
falling apart.
I am not
going to let
them win.
I am not
someone who can
be walked over,
stepped on and
beaten down.
I am strong.
I am real.
I am thriving.
this transformation,
it wasn’t easy.
and I continue
it every day.
but I’m making it.
and damn
does it feel good.

 

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Daily Prompt: Careful

I’ve spent most of my life being cautious,
careful,
calculated.
I never once thought being carefree
could be the right way to spend some days.
but there was one day, an hour
north of Rome,
where I walked along a
cobblestone street, hopelessly
lost in a place I did not know,
searching for a beach I could
not see with an excitement
I did not expect.

it’s not often I find myself
lost, unaware of my surroundings –
and, quite frankly a little
surprised.
but this one day I wasn’t
scared or worried or anxious.
I was just carefree.
and yes, careful, always careful – no
person would ruin my day, no sun would burn
my back and no pot hole would twist
my ankle
(because lord knows that
would happen to me).

the breeze was warm and
my skin tingled with the heat,
the only sign of my exhaustion
the perspiration running down my spine –
the drip drip drip of water leaking
out a faucet
to my right pulling my gaze.
the ocean was right through those
houses – I
could see it, I could
almost feel the water on my skin,
running its hands along me
like the boy I left back home.

the cobblestone stretched on
and on. I could feel
the irritation bubbling under
my feet, traveling up my calves
– and oh how my calves burned!
I took in a deep breath,
it smelled of lilac and
my mother’s laughter,
a smile stretching across my face,
I walked a little lighter.
only a short distance
now.

at long last it unfolded in
front of me –
a sea of blue, of summer,
of peace. my bags were on the ground,
my dress a jumble on top,
and my feet were pulling me
to the water.
crystal, clear, warm. so
salty you could float. I couldn’t
remember the last time
I was so happy.

if I wasn’t careful, I
might’ve drifted out to
sea. but
I was careful. always careful.

 

via Daily Prompt: Careful

Daily Prompt: Border

I remember that first drive from my home in Salt Lake City, Utah to California. we drove to Newport Beach, where my dad’s friend owned a hotel. it was a long drive, and my brother, sister and I constantly switched between sitting and snacking in the middle seats and sleeping in the back. my parents were still married then, still happy together, and I don’t remember crossing the border from Utah to Nevada, to California. it all just happened, and we spent a week on the beach. my mother taught me to build a drip castle, and I was so excited. my dad taught me not to be afraid of the dark spots in the ocean – they’re not sharks, you see, it’s just reef.

we took several trips out to California, the rest without my mom. sometimes we drove, but as the years went on we started to fly. and then we stopped going all together. it wasn’t until I was eighteen years old that I crossed that border again. and this time, it wasn’t the same.

I drove away from my life with my mom and sister, thirteen hours of open road ahead of us in a car packed to the brim with books, clothes, random decorations I couldn’t leave behind and my bike. I’ve always wished I was as dedicated a biker as my mom. there was one time in sixth grade I road the marathon course with her – and I was so proud of myself. mostly because I felt like I was just being like her. but that’s beside the point.

the border between Utah and Nevada, Nevada and California, it felt different this time. it wasn’t just a sign we passed that I barely opened my eyes enough to pay attention to. it was a step into a new life, a new me. with each mile we drove, I felt farther from pain, and closer to peace. and the best part was having my mom and sister by my side. by the time we reached San Diego, I had cried out all I could, and laughed out all I needed, and I finally felt that there was a difference in my life.

borders aren’t meant to hold you back. they’re meant to be crossed, to be pushed and to be explored. I wouldn’t be where I am today without crossing that border. I wouldn’t be who I am today without pushing my own. I wouldn’t know what I want to do today without exploring the many borders around me. if you take one thing from this post, take this: don’t let a border hold you back. explore, live, create. and don’t forget to love every minute of it.

via Daily Prompt: Border